So I took a break and now I'm back. So, let's get into this: fuck cyclists.
Now calm down, I don't hate everyone who rides a bike often. I hate certain types of white-knight, "messiah of nature", nose-in-the-air cyclists. The type that might as well wear a huge sign on their back saying "I HELP THE TREES GROW" just to confirm their egos. Those ones. The ones that you wish you could ram your car into the back of and watch them fly up 10 feet into the air.
Bliss.
Moving on. The first thing I hate cyclists doing, unless they absolutely have to, is driving on the road. Why? Why is that a good idea? I mean, we're already kissing your ass by dedicating 3/4 of the path to let you cycle along, so give me one reason why driving right in front of every car is justified. We're already going 40 or so mph, and what can your hunk of metal go on average? 25 mph. So we have to instantly slow down behind your entitled ass as you plod along to road with your family and turn every corner we do. And, as you do, we get closer and closer to being late to work/school/whatever we have to get to. And then we're blamed for it, and you fade on the horizon, another victim of your douchebaggery left in the dust. Just stick to the bicycle lane that no one loses because driving on the road and pissing everyone off is all the rage, okay?
Second, those stupid fucking hand signals when they drive on the road. Are we taught this shit in our driving test(s)? Nope. So why would I have to take time out of my life to learn what you mean when you stick your hand left or right and block my view from a much more useful road sign. Can't bicycle companies just stick a light on the back of their bikes that show a left/right/forward sign so we know, rather than you limiting my vision to show you're going to cycle from Kent to a Newcastle V Crystal Palace match in Newcastle right in front of me for the whole trip ON THE FUCKING ROAD. Today I had two, a husband and wife, drift in front of me and reduce my speed by 75%. You two are pricks. And don't get me fucking started on bike lanes on the road... you can piss off.
Let's not forget how they get pissed off when we overtake them. Oh, sorry, I forgot it's common courtesy to sit behind you and hold your hand along to scary land of common sense. And when you do wind down your window as these wankfaces yell at you to when they pull up beside you at the red light, they resort to ad hominem. Great. Grow the fuck up, cycle cunt. You're mad at me because I refused to go 10 mph down a highway, now move on. Or better yet, buy a car. If you want to be treated like a car, pick up the damn speed and act like a car. No running red lights, no disobeying traffic signals, just act like a normal person.
And when they do use the bike lane... oh wait, they don't, because apparently the whole fucking path is the bike lane according to them. There I am, just walking to the Sainsbury's Local just down the road, when I hear a bell. I turn around, and barely rotate 90 degrees before a cunt comes flying past on his BMX. NOT on the bike lane either. I yell "Was the bike lane not good enough for your dumb arse?" but he drives on. When you cycle like that, go die of cancer you fuck cookie. And this is around the time I hear "you own a car, not the road!" as an "argument" against me. Yeah, and you own a bike, not a magical fucking carpet that allows you to drive however you want, wherever you want, piss everyone off and make your own rules for the road. Keep that in mind.
Worst of all are the fitness freaks. Oh, you want to cycle 100 miles to burn a fucking calorie because you have a disorder where you can't stop shoving pizza down your throat? Go sit your fat arse on a stationary cycle and pedal all you want. It works the same and you don't piss anyone off. Fucking amazing technology of this day and age, huh? Or, forget the whole cycle thing, just go on a diet and do exercise like anyone would really do when they wanted to lose weight. If you were really dedicated to weight loss, which I would have no issue with, you would do more than sit on a penis-shaped seat and drive like a drunken twat wherever you went. Not to forget that these specimens rape Facebook with their cycling-update bullshit. "Oh! I just cycled up a hill and down it without stopping!" "Oh! I just cycled across England on my trusty BMX!" Happy fucking days, no one gives a shit. Now move on with life.
Now, I don't want to see anyone die on the road just for being a cyclist. You're a cunt, but you don't deserve anything close to death for it. But, if you get squashed by a double-decker bus for running a red light because "you were in a hurry to get to the gym", I don't really have a lot of sympathy for you, because it's your own fault. Just don't be a prick on the road, all right? And if you're on a bike, get back on the path's bike lane, fuckflakes.
