Why The British Royal Family Needs To Go

Britain has always worshipped the queen we have. But it's getting ridiculous and always has been, especially after an incident where a soldier hit a six year old girl in the face seconds after she gave Queen Entitled II flowers when he raised his hand to salute, and no one even asked her if she was okay because the royals were passing, and it would be "highly disrespectful" to lower his hand. Why? Because tradition is a legit reason to hit kids in the face, right? No. So stop it.

I could write an essay on a list of incidents where the royal family has made awkward moments even worse just by simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time (the former incident a shining example), but I'll try and keep my word count below 8,000. So, now, let's dissect through and see what people we have in the royal family, shall we?

First we have the infamous lady herself, Queen Entitled II. Why do I call her that instead of her real name? Well, firstly, to piss off anyone stupid enough to get offended by that, but secondly (and mainly) because people would throw themselves infront of a bus for someone who is essentially a glorified celebrity, with nothing but money and the power to judge laws. We all know that our PM, David Cameron, runs the country. He's in power, he's making decisions that affect us. And yet, this man who could pretty much kill us because he was bored is less valuable than this sack of dust who wanders around and waves like she has a broken wrist? That makes total sense.

Next we have William and Kate, the bastard children of the Queen and some guy who's currently on vacation six feet underground. They bring the nation watching the TV intensely for hours on end whenever Kate decides to pop a baby out her muff, which tends to be too often. Hell, I've heard (from friends) that there are gambling lines where you bet money on the baby's name. Let me repeat that: YOU GAMBLE MONEY TO GUESS A BABY'S NAME. And it's not like the baby will have a fun life. If he's not got a camera shoved down his throat or some minimal-wage journalist asking him questions when he just wants to go screw around like a four year old would. He'll grow up to be overwhelmed and under the pressure that someday he's going to get the chance to sit in a throne, marry someone, and then have sex every week so he creates another ten kids who will also have such a fun life.

Now let's talk about royal babies. You don't even get to see them. You just watch a helicopter camera lazily zoom into the door of the hospital, where reporters use each other as battering rams so they can burst in and see the baby. If you want to watch TV, too bad, because everyone is crowding around the TV watching these boring fucks wave at the general public for hours on end, fit with a parade and maybe some community activities. No doubt your newspaper of choice (especially tabloids like The Sun, which is sadly our most popular newspaper here) will have at least 25% of itself dedicated to reporting this. Do we do this for celebs whenever they have babies? Does the whole British population watch in awe whenever someone like, say, Emma Watson pops out a kid? No? Then why our royal family? They're basically glorified celebs; they have no real say in the world, they just have money and fame and our undivided and pathetic attention.

And if it isn't a baby or wedding their running the news with, it's some shit like William went and played Harry at golf and then planted a tree before leaving in a jet plane. Who gives a damn? Well, apparently everyone excluding you or me. Quoted directly from Dallas Morning News, one of their leading headlines on their website is "Royal Family chef to give tips on healthy cooking at Collin college". Who. Gives. A. Shit. If Jamie Oliver or any other foodie decided to give a college healthy cooking tips it would be a >500 word story that someone wrote for them for a whole $5, and then they went home.

Now, in conclusion, I understand this is tradition... not. Tradition is stupid. The royal family is stupid. The media that sucks the Royal family's balls and reports everything they do like it's world changing are stupid. And that's about it.